


Royal Star Strangled Bangers, Bubble and Squeak

by 50NoriStars



Series: Star Hero Post [10]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:15:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27958259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50NoriStars/pseuds/50NoriStars
Summary: When a nefarious duke that once owned Brows (cat England), wages a celebrity feud to reclaim him, Arthur, Alfred, and Alfie Hero (dog America), fight back with the help of allies.
Relationships: America & England (Hetalia), America/England (Hetalia)
Series: Star Hero Post [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1470365
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

December 1st, 2020  
The Quadrangle, Buckingham Palace

"Squeak!"

Arthur squeaked with excitement as he held Brows and Alfred held Alfie Hero in the inner courtyard of Buckingham Palace. The December day had been declared by the Queen to be Treats for Service Pets Day. And as Alfie Hero and Brows were service pets that had become world famous by preventing a bombing, the two had been summoned to take part in a holiday photograph to be taken with other famous service pets and Senior Royals. 

"Senior Royals, Alfred. Senior Royals." Squeak! 

"Ha ha! You're squeaking again, Arthur." Alfred mocked. "But I thought you said our breakfast was called squeak." 

"Bubble and squeak. Just so, Alfred."

"More like bubble and scream. 'Cause the cabbage and potatoes you cooked were screaming."

"They most certainly were not!" 

"Totally screaming while burning, Arthur! And your biscuit thingies always taste like couch stuffing."

"Those scones are a recipe from my Mumsy!" 

They tussled as other photo attendees holding service animals hooted. Then Alfred strangled Arthur in a playful, jolly way and kissed him hard until they both heard the crowd's hooting turn ugly.

"Wot?" Alfred released Arthur then saw the crowd's focus had shifted to another couple, that of the selfish and nefarious young Duke and Duchess of Buxton. The two twenty year old fame whores were on the balcony dressed in elf costumes to promote their merch line, Elf-Hers, a play on the Duchess's maiden name, Elfers, and her former actress occupation of playing elves in Christmas movies. 

One look at the self-absorbed and self-promoting Duke and Duchess of Buxton posing as elves on the palace balcony and Alfred wanted to strangle them. NOT in a jolly way. "The fucking Buxtons?" Alfred swore. "We Americans hate them too! Fucking evil elf merch pushing, Christmas ruining, Duke and Duchess of sucks-butts Buxtons!" 

"Squeak!"

Arthur squeaked in shock to hear Alfred mock royals, but the crowd was far more critical.

"Elves actually work, freeloaders!"

"These ANIMALS work! They deserve real treats this day, not sham celebrity rubbish!" 

"Sod off with your pet merch that only promotes yourselves."

The crowd continued jeering, then burst into applause when security arrived to escort the Buxtons off the balcony moments before the Senior Royals stepped onto it. 

"Fuck yeah! Suck it losers!" Alfred hooted, dark blue eyes dancing over the scarf he and Arthur had designed as gifts for themselves, that of a star spangled eagle next to a Union Jack lion. 

Arthur's green eyes looked thoughtful over his scarf. "Hmm. It appears the balcony now has two spots open. I wonder who will be given the great honor of filling them." 

A discreet cough sounded behind them. It was the discreet cough of one of the Queen's most senior assistants, who seemed to know Arthur.

"Squidge Kirkland, is it?" The plain suited gentleman who was the same age as Arthur, and wearing the same Cambridge print tie as Arthur, bowed slightly on approach. "I always hoped it was you over your brothers caring for this hero cat." He looked at Brows warmly. 

"Needham! So it is me." Arthur recognised his former Cambridge University mate and bowed slightly himself. "And you landed a job here at the Palace as you always hoped to do." 

"So I did, Squidge. So I did." Needham glanced towards the balcony fondly, then after receiving a discreet nod from the Queen herself, turned back to Arthur. "And due to my landing the job here, as you say Squidge, it is with great pleasure I've come to relay to you Her Majesty's wish that you and your animal charges join the royal grandchildren on the palace balcony." 

His official tone made Arthur catch his breath, then squeak yet again. "More squeaking, Arthur? Hah!" Alfred continued to mock him, then rocked on his dress shoe heels smugly. "But duh, Arthur. Of course the royal grandchildren wanna pose with Alfie Hero and Brows instead of the Buxtons. Losers." 

Arthur glanced apologetically at Needham while that assistant stifled a laugh, then told them. "Actually, it was young Prince Felix's idea. He recalled having known Brows before, and wished to renew the acquaintance." 

"Squeak!"

Arthur squeaked again while Alfred said. "Nuh, the kidling's wrong. 'Cause Brows is a pub cat that was a stray before, so the kidling couldn'ta known him." 

Regardless, Needham led them across the quadrangle, through a side door, and up a staff stairwell to the balcony where Alfie Hero was given to rambunctious, five year old Princess Phoebe to hold, and Brows was given to quiet, nerdy, seven year old prince Felix to hold. Then after the photo shoot ended and warm farewells were exchanged with all the Senior Royals, Arthur and Alfred returned to the quadrangle with their pets amidst much cheering. 

"Good show. Good show. You showed those Buxtons!" Many called out, then the entire crowd booed when the Buxtons themselves exited the palace and made straight for Arthur and Alfred.

"Racist enablers. Shameless racist enablers." The duke falsely accused. "Replacing my mixed race wife with yourselves when my family refused to pose with her." 

"Squeak!"

Arthur squeaked in shock at the accusation, but the crowd was quick to dismiss it.

"Stop forever claiming racism, lying whingers!" 

"No one more privileged than you lot! Undeserving liggers!" 

The crowd continued to jeer as the couple drew closer to Arthur and Alfred. Sadly however, one look at the approaching duke and Brows immediately became distraught. 

"Brows, mate?" Arthur froze as the cat trembled and cowered as if the duke had caused him harm in the past. Meanwhile Alfie Hero arfed with excitement as Alfred wasted no time getting in the duke's face. 

"You wanna start something, Buxtons?" He taunted.

"You should never have agreed to take our rightful place on the balcony, American boyfriend and Arthur Kirkland." Buxton raged to make his elf shape lip stud bulge out.

"Aw, what's wrong?" Arthur asked gleefully. "The kiddy royals preferred to pose with our pets instead of you two Christmas ruining elf assholes?" 

And with that, Alfred unwittingly fired the first shot in a celebrity showdown that the crowd wasted no time employing their phones to begin live streaming. 

"Christmas ruining elf assholes? How bloody dare you address ME that way" The duchess seethed.

"Oh I'm sorry, evil elf missy." Alfred smirked. "Would you prefer I offer you a steaming cup of 'go fuck yourself' cocoa before telling you to fuck off?" 

"The nerve!" Buxton raged some more, as Arthur gestured desperately to Alfred that Brows was acting very fearful. So fearful in fact Alfie Hero jumped from Alfred's arms to whine at Arthur's heels. 

"Whoo whoo whoo! I smell fear. Fear. Whatcha afraid of, big brother cat?" The spaniel begged to know.

"That I could never tell you, Skiver." Brows shuddered.

"But I wanna know! 'Cause you're my big brother cat I wanna protect like a hero! Even if you won't tell me what I'm protecting you from. Whoo whoo whoo!" Alfie Hero whined some more to draw Alfred's attention. 

"You okay there, Alfie Hero bubs? Brows?" He asked, but then Buxton glanced at Brows as well and paused. 

"Brows, you called him?" He said, took a closer look, then smiled cruelly before pointing. "That's my cat. My cat you're holding with the eyebrows, Kirkland!" 

"SQUEAK?"

Arthur squeaked in utter confusion. First Prince Felix had claimed to know Brows, now the Duke?

"You're a kitten stealer Arthur Kirkland! Of course it was you all this time, keeping me from my missing pet." The duke accused while the duchess smiled cruelly as well.

"Hey yo." Alfred got in their faces a second time. "You wanna try calling my boyfriend a kitten stealer again?" 

"Your boyfriend IS a kitten stealer, American nobody. That's my cat. I can tell by its eyebrows." Buxton referred to Brows' distinctive tabby stripe 'eyebrows.' 

"Brows isn't your cat, Buxton." Alfred argued. "He's a pub cat that was a stray before." 

"Oh, really?" The duchess crossed her garish jingle bell decorated arms. "I've seen pictures of that cat when he was a kitten. Dearest Bux Bum showed me."

Alfred crossed his plain blazer covered arms. "Well dearest Bux Bum needs to show you where the little elf rooms are. 'Cause that's a crap load of sugar sprinkled bullshit you're bullshitting." 

At that point Arthur vaguely noticed the entire quadrangle was livestreaming the exchange, as well as narrating it excitedly. However he was too worried about Brows to give it much thought. "Alfred. Time to go." 

He wrapped poor Brows in his suit jacket and started across the quadrangle with Alfie Hero still whining at his heels.

"Time to go? Most certainly it is time for you to go!" Buxton shouted after him. "Time to GO to a veterinarian straight away, Kirkland, and have the cat's microchip scanned to prove it's registered to the palace. Then afterwards, you can GO before a magistrate and answer to animal theft charges." 

"Woof woof woof woof woof, bad human!" Alfie Hero barked in parting. "Woof woof woof woof woof, protect big brother cat Brows!" 

But it was Alfred who delivered the final parting shot. "The fuck if my boyfriend's gonna do anything you say, Buxtons! Go jingle your jingle balls straight back to the North Pole then fuck yourselves with lumps of coal, naughty lists, and an entire mountain of reindeer droppings, evil elf losers!" 

At that the quadrangle erupted in thunderous applause as they swarmed Alfred like he was a rock star. But Arthur was already long gone and running with Brows into the first veterinary practice he could find. Little did he know, however, He, Alfred, and the Buxtons had already gone viral with their celebrity showdown, and this was just the start of what would soon prove to be a very turbulent, evil elf driven, sleigh ride through holiday hell.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two. 

Alfie Hero  
10 Downing Street

Next morning, the Prime Minister's chief mouser cat was due to exit the residence at half past seven. Alfie Hero waited with bated doggy breath to slip inside the moment the cat slipped out. He held a newspaper firmly between his teeth, and kept his eyes on the door waiting for the slightest crack.

There! A security guard at last opened it, the mouser padded out, then Alfie Hero bolted through even as he heard surprised shouts sound from behind him. 

_Get big brother cat Brows back. Get big brother cat Brows back. Together to stay. Together to stay. _He chanted the headline title in his doggy head as he skittered down hallways and past surprised guards and assistants until he reached the Prime Minister drinking coffee with her husband at a kitchen island.__

__"Woof." He plopped down the newspaper on the tile floor and wagged his tail by way of greeting._ _

__"Well, hello?" The PM addressed him, then waved off a guard who made to grab him. "Brought me a paper have you? Clever."_ _

__"Woof." With his paw Alfie Hero scratched at the headline 'Together to Stay?,' with a photo of his reunion with Brows in Paris._ _

__"Oh that's you! And a friend?"_ _

__"Woof!" Alfie Hero looked at her expectantly._ _

__"Do you wish for me to take that paper?"_ _

__"Grrr." Alfie Hero growled a bit when she reached for it, then after she pulled her hand away he wagged his tail and pawed at the headline photo and words a second time. "WOOF!"_ _

__"Well. I'm flummoxed." The PM looked at her husband who was similarly confused._ _

__Then the entire residence watched the little spaniel with the adorable 'doggles' run back outside with his paper when they all heard an American voice call out. "Alfie Hero bubs! Yo! Get your awesome burger fart smelling butt back here or no McGriddles for you when we pick up Brows!"_ _

__

__Bunker Hill Hospital/Veterinary Clinic  
1776 and 1789 Bunker Hill Rd, London_ _

__

__"You've heard why this road's called Bunker Hill, haven't you?" Nick the pubman, Brows' rescuer and former caretaker, rasped to Arthur and Alfred from his wheelchair behind a plexiglass partition as his fellow Covid 19 long haulers, also seated along the wall, fawned over Alfie Hero. "There's Bunker Hill soil buried with an American Revolutionary War General what fought there but died here, bloody show off."_ _

__"Well duh! That hero got bloody beating you Brits, so why not show off!" Alfred hooted as patients jeered._ _

__"Nutter!" They called out good naturedly, then one asked. "Care to sing us a Christmas carol, American?"_ _

__"'Kay." Alfred didn't hesitate for a second, and sang. "America, fuck yeah. Back again to save motha fucking Christ-mas, fuck yeah."_ _

__While Alfred continued eliciting jeers from patients, Arthur told Nick. "Alfred and I had expected to collect Brows from a veterinary clinic where he spent the night, and bring him for another visit. But it was closed when we arrived. Strange that, when they rang earlier and told us to come directly._ _

__"A vets, you say." Nick paled suddenly. "I never took Brows to a proper vet, for fear he'd have his microchip scanned."_ _

__"Pardon?" Arthur croaked and paled himself._ _

__"I should have told you this, Kirkland. But the night Brows was rescued? There was footage on telly of the Duke of Buxton fighting with his glamour model girlfriend. Clear as day the entire pub and me saw him holding a kitten, then throw it at the girlfriend before nearly mowing them both down with his sports car."_ _

__"Squeak!" Arthur squeaked again._ _

__"You're squeaking, Kirkland? We was all like to squeak ourselves when that kitten ran in the pub all panicked. Panicked near to death he was! And my customers and me all agreed to own him secret like, and have him treated by a vet secret like."_ _

__"So Brows would never be microchip scanned and returned to Buxton." Arthur finished for him and squeaked again. "Squeak!"_ _

__Meanwhile, Alfred continued to sing while patients jeered. "Terrorists, your Christmas game sucks balls. So lick America's butt, and suck on our jingle balls…"_ _

__"Alfred!" Arthur grabbed him and Alfie Hero. "We must collect Brows now. This instant. Before his microchip is scanned."_ _

__"Huh? But that place is closed, remember?"_ _

__Alfred allowed himself to be dragged outside as patients yelled after them. "Keep warring with the Buxtons, lads! We hate those bloody Buxtons!"_ _

__"Oh Lord Lord Lord Lord Lord! I've well and truly muddled things for poor Brows." Arthur fretted all the way back to the clinic, which for a second time they found firmly closed._ _

__"How'd you muddle things for Brows, Arthur? He was sick. You took him to a vet. The vet put him in a hilarious bubble bed thingy for the night."_ _

__"Hilarious? Not a bit of it." Arthur argued distractedly._ _

__"Dude! It looked like a spaceship with a bubble window that was being attacked by sprinklers!"_ _

__"Not a bit of it. It was a lovely tunnel bed equipped with calming pheromone mist sprayers that I wish to crawl in THIS INSTANT." Arthur burst out in nervous frustration, then was distracted when Alfie Hero barked and wagged his tail at some ladies waving at them frantically from a cafe window._ _

__"Right, what's this now?" Arthur frowned, then recognition dawned. "Alfred, I believe those ladies are from the clinic."_ _

__"Oh yeah?" Alfred looked, then said. "It is them. But why're they wearing their coats over their scrubs like they're hiding? Wassup with that?"_ _

__The ladies put up their coat hoods and gestured for Arthur and Alfred to do the same. "Huh? Why they want us to hide too?" Alfred said as he put up his hood._ _

__Arthur hid his face with his sport coat collar and headed for the cafe with Alfred. Inside the ladies signaled they should duck, and they did so until they reached the ladies' table. Then they both listened while the ladies described how Buxton, after the palace was notified of Brows' scan results, had harassed them to hand over Brows or face lawsuits. But they'd lied and said Brows was too ill to be released, then closed the clinic to keep Buxton from serving them a legal order of compliance, because they'd seen the Buxton kitten/model incident on telly same as Nick._ _

__Lastly they told them about a key they'd dropped, (wink wink,) near a back entrance, and begged them to sneak Brows out anyway they could. And to do so quickly, because it was nearly time for their patients' morning medicine distribution._ _

__"Righto, and Lord love you ladies." Arthur thanked them sincerely and he and Alfred ducked back outside._ _

__"Arthur, what were they saying about some TV footage?" Alfred asked._ _

__"Can't tell you now, luv. Must collect Brows first." Arthur racked his brain while Alfred hooted._ _

__"Fuck yeah we gotta rescue Brows! He's a sitting duck in that weird ass bubble bed with water spraying him and everything."_ _

__"Pheromone mist sprayers, Alfred. Lovely, calming, pheromone mist sprayers." Arthur corrected, and pined for a bubble bed kip himself until suddenly it hit him. "Lord! I think I know now how best to sneak Brows out thanks to you Alfred."_ _

__"Well duh! I am the hero that fixes everything without even trying." Alfred struck a superhero pose._ _

__"Git!" Arthur whacked him. "But if you're truly set on being the hero, create a distraction while I arrange a purchase and pick up at the clinic."_ _

__"Distraction? I'll distract the fuck out of this bitch! Whatever this bitch is, 'cause ya still haven't told me. But I'm still the hero."_ _

__"Right then. Distract away, dearest Alfred. I shall see you in a tick."_ _

__Arthur discreetly ran off with his chin still tucked in his collar, while conversely Alfred widened his stance, yanked down his hood, then tied his custom star spangled, Union Jack scarf around his head Rambo style._ _


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hold onto your reindeer reins, time for an allies invasion.

A print shop  
Bunker Hill Road, London

"America, fuck yeah.  
Here to save motha fucking Christmas, fuck yeah.  
Buxtons, elf you!  
Kiss my American Christmas butt,  
'cause I'm about to elfing pawn you."

Alfred sang as he stepped out of a printer shop, a door sign hanging around Alfie Hero's neck as he carried the dog at eye level for all to see. Passersby did see and burst out laughing. Then they recognised Alfred from the viral showdown with Buxton and followed him with phones held high. 

When Alfred made a point of pausing at the cafe window to show the vet clinic ladies his sign they also burst out laughing and gave him their thumbs up in approval. Then as Alfred continued to the clinic to hang up the sign, the crowd filming him murmured excitedly at the sight of Buxton waiting in his parked Jaguar F-type. 

'No clinic stalking, staff harassing, cat traumatising, elf appropriating, Buxton assholes allowed service at this clinic for all eternity.' The sign read to enrage Buxton who immediately slammed himself out of his sports car.

On his approach Alfie Hero dropped the newspaper he'd been holding all morning to bark. "Woof woof woof woof woof, bad human! Woof woof woof woof woof, hate you for making big brother cat Brows sick!" He jumped out of Alfred's arms to continue barking at street level, then his ultra sensitive nose caught a whiff of Brows' smell from within the clinic and he stopped barking to scratch and whine at the door. "Big brother cat? Big brother cat? Are ya feeling better? I wanna see that you're okay! Woo woo woo!" 

Meanwhile, Buxton and his ever present elf shaped lip stud, combined with a matching nose stud this time, fumed at Alfred. "I have you now, Jones. You and your boyfriend did steal that cat with the eyebrows. A microchip scan proved it."

"The fuck if that scan proved anything, Buxton! Except that you're a clinic stalking, staff harassing, cat traumatiser for making Brows sick in the first place!" Alfred argued. 

"Accuse me of traumatising animals, Jones? You abuse buffalos?" He held up his phone to show the crowd the viral video of Alfred twirling a buffalo the previous year.

"Hey yo. Buffalo Blue's my buffalo buddy that loves being twirled. Ask anyone in Stars and Bars, Alaska." Alfred explained, but then a woman in the crowd shouted. "It's true. The American's brother is proving it right now." She held up her phone to show Matthew live streaming at Star Hero Post Animal Sanctuary. 

"So here's Buffalo Blue putting his hooves in my hands 'cause he likes being twirled, don'tcha know?" Squiggle haired Mathew mumbled into the camera nervously as Buffalo Blue begged to be twirled. "He likes being twirled no matter what the Duke of Buxton says. But now he REALLY wants to be twirled. Maple! Buffalo Blue stop begging me, eh! I can't twirl ya like Alfred 'cause I'm not strong enough. Agh! Agh! Stop putting your hooves in my hands, that hurts! Oh no, now he's chasing me. Timbits!" 

A delivery truck office  
Bunker Hill Road, London

Meanwhile, steps away from Alfred's making a scene at the clinic, Arthur was waiting in line at a delivery truck service office when he heard passersby outside spreading rumors like wildfire as they passed. 

"The Buxtons stole Princess Diana's jewelry."

"The Buxtons are part of the Illuminati." 

"The Buxtons' edible elf panties cause peppermint smelling farts." 

"Oh bloody hell, not again!" Arthur crossed his arms and simply waited until HE came into view, wearing a black suit and sunglasses as he always did when engaging in information manipulating activities. "Francis stop that nonsense this instant." Arthur shouted through the window. 

"Pourquoi, mon plainly dressed caterpillar?" Francis strolled to the window, long hair curled just so and a cigarette dangling from his mouth. "Je suis bored, bored. Mon film has stopped filming pour Christmas." 

"Propaganda is not a way to pass the time, Francis!" 

"Mais, it is so very amusant. Join me again, mon caterpillar."

"Certainly not. I ended up right drunk last time." 

"Oh hon hon hon hon hon. Drunk mais dressed cool for once."

"Oh shut it, Frog!"

"Oh hon hon hon. Tu es adorable when feisty. Mais I will continue to spread des rumeurs to aid you in your feud, mon caterpillar. Joyeux Noël, Chérie. Adieu." He steamed then kissed the window to leave an imprint.

"Ta. Happy Christmas to you, Francis." 

He watched Francis leave and skulk into an alleyway, but no sooner had Francis departed…

Whoosh! He barely heard the tinkle of the office door before he was yanked outside and thrown into the back of a German brand SUV to be met with joyous greetings. "Arthur, Ciao!" 

Feli hugged Arthur even as Arthur was still processing the fact he was no longer in the truck office. Then he saw Ludwig slip behind the wheel and nod to a Japanese man in the passenger seat. 

"Bloody hell, Luddy! Did you just capture me?" 

"You have had stressful year, Arzur. Stressful enough to cause relapse." Ludwig, Arthur's neurologist, referred to the brain injury Arthur was still slowly healing from. 

"But to just capture me like that. Gore!" 

Arthur looked to the stranger for support, but that man simply observed and refrained from speaking.

"Dummkopf Arzur. Bomb scares, breakups, und catching ze virus ist not enough for you. Now you are in feud." 

"Ah, that. I can explain. You see, a cat I care for is in danger." 

"Cat Pookie!" Feli raised a hand to cheer happily. 

"Tell me of this cat." Ludwig commanded. 

Arthur sighed grudgingly then told him everything. Afterwards he insisted. "And so I must arrange for a truck to pick up that bubble bed, to sneak the cat out of the clinic." Arthur made to leave but Ludwig stopped him. 

"Nein, Arzur. You will become suspect und questioned about cat heist, then ze stress will worsen injury. Instead I take you back to Alaska to rest for holidays, und Kiku save cat." 

"Cat Pookie!" Feli cheered again, while Kiku quickly took out his phone, purchased the bed from the clinic, and arranged a truck to pick it up and deliver it to his hotel.

"Oh, I say!" Arthur protested. "That was rather high handed. And just what will you do if questioned about Brows' disappearance, sir?" 

Kiku replied passively. "If questioned I will respond Japanese way. Say one thing and mean completely the opposite. Lie to them." 

"Ah, but that's… Well, I did wish to own the bed myself." Arthur grumbled. 

"Do not worry. You can purchase one after I mass produce it in twelve color assortments, release new additional colors to match each season, and hire popular actress to star in advertisements." 

"Erm...okay?" Arthur said gobsmacked, while Ludwig praised. 

"Wunderbar, Kiku! Und now Arzur I take you back to Alaska to rest. Think nothing more of cat or Buxton feud"

"And what of Alfred?" 

"That dummkopf I'll collect as well. Und cat after Kiku saves it." 

"Cat Pookie!" Feli cheered a third time as Ludwig started the SUV then drove to the clinic.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More allies shenanigans, and an animal mission.

Alfie Hero  
Bunker Hill Veterinary Clinic

"Big brother cat! Big brother cat! Wanna see you. Wanna see you. Wanna…wroof?" 

Alfie Hero stopped scratching and whining at the front entrance when he noticed a truck pull into the clinic's gated side lot. He retrieved his newspaper and slipped past Alfred and Buxton who were still fighting and ran for the lot. Next he slipped past the delivery crew to enter the clinic's side door when they opened it. 

"Big brother cat? Big brother cat? How was outer space?" He found the bubble bed easily, mounted high on a wall. 

Brows opened sleepy green eyes and looked down through the bubble window at his tail wagging, curious friend. "What's this kerfuffling, Skiver? Outer space indeed!" He scolded, then breathed in more pheromone misted air and felt relaxed enough to resume sleeping. 

Alfie Hero wasn't about to let him, however. "Me and my human spot UFOs all the time in Alaska! The truth is out there!" 

"Oh Lord. Save me from nutter American UFO conspiracy theories." Brows curled up tighter and lay a paw across his eyes, but sat up with a jolt when he heard humans with tools enter the clinic. "Tools? Grinding noises? I'm off." He unlocked the latch on the bubble window and jumped down to join his friend. 

"You're over your fear sickness, cool!" Alfie Hero nuzzled and licked him happily. "Now let's go ask the Queen to stay together." He retrieved his newspaper and slipped out the door.

Brows accompanied him. "Pardon, where did you say we were off too?" 

They ran down the same sidewalks they'd traversed with Arthur and Alfred the day before, and reached the side gate they'd entered before. "The Queen! The Queen!" Alfie Hero dropped his newspaper to explain. "Gonna ask her to help us stay together like I asked the Prime Minister, who called me clever."

"Pardon? The PRIME MINISTER called you clever, Skiver?" Brows couldn't believe his twitching cat ears.

"Yuh. But then she tried to take my paper and I grrred at her."

"Well! So much for being clever." 

"I am clever! The most clever! She's the one who didn't understand. And I showed her human words and everything!" 

"Ah, Skiver. As to that I can only reiterate that humans are forever slow on the uptake, no matter how obvious things appear to animals. Though human children sometimes are more open to our communication attempts."

"Woof woof, do ya think so? 'Cause if that's true I'll show the human words to the princess from yesterday. She was fun!" 

"Hurrumph." Brows scoffed. "The likelihood of our sort ever being allowed near royals again is rather...rather…sorted?" Brows exclaimed when much to his great surprise two guards permitted them entry. 

"Welcome Sir Brows what's registered as living here, and hero friend." They greeted respectfully as they cracked the gate open. 

"Hero friend, that's me!" Alfie Hero danced a tail wagging happy dance while Brows hesitated. 

"What, live here? When have I ever lived here?" Brows wondered, then Alfie Hero collected his newspaper and the two crossed the quadrangle and entered the palace, with nothing but warm greetings from guards and staff alike to accompany their mission to see the queen. 

Arthur and Alfred  
Same location 

Alfred, luv. Alfred, luv. Do be careful. Arthur thought fretfully as Ludwig parked close enough to the clinic for all to see Alfred and Buxton argue as crowds filmed.

"Arzur. Du are not to look, even. Stress could cause relapse. Feli, watch he stays here." Ludwig ordered as he and Kiku exited the car to collect Alfred. However, mere seconds after they left, Feli saw Italian food truck vendors offering pasta samples to the crowd and was out of the car like a shot. 

Hmm. Should I make a break for it as well? Arthur wondered, then caught sight of Francis in an alleyway holding up a black suit and sunglasses for him to disguise himself in. "Lord love information manipulating former lovers." He brightened, then slipped out of the car and into Francis' flirty, undressing ministrations. 

Meanwhile, the showdown at the clinic raged on. 

"Ha!" Alfred hooted once Matty's debunking video ended. "Even my Canadian brother is strong enough to stand up to your lame, false accusing, fraudy fraud fuck ass, Buxton."

"Slander me, Jones? I'll have my lawyers make minced Alaska pollock out of you." Buxton snapped elf ring clad fingers to summon subpoena servers he'd hired. However, when they drew near... 

"No, Buxton ass. You no sue best burger eater. Eat wok!" A Chinese gentleman suddenly broke away from the crowd to dispatch the subpoena servers by bonking their heads with a wok.

"Wang?" Alfred recognised him. "Dude! That wok attack shit is as badass as your Szechuan burger truck." 

"Szechuan burger truck now Szechuan burger town. You eat." Wang started to drag him towards his food town, but then Luddy and Kiku arrived. 

"Alfred, sheisse! Where ist your wet dry dressing?" Ludwig swore at Alfred's unbandaged wounded finger.

"Luddy, dude. I couldn't eat burgers with that mummy hand. Especially Wang's saucy Szechuan burger-arus."

"Dummkopf! I told you to keep hand bandaged und eat healthy for healing."

"Eating healthy is lame!"

"Alfred, du will eat healthy on plane back to Alaska mit a newly dressed hand. Kiku." Luddy nodded at Kiku who prepared to draw a katana on much bigger Alfred, but Alfred just hooted.

"Ha ha ha ha! No way am I going. Wang, get-em!

Wang sprang into action with his wok, felled Ludwig over the head, then sent Kiku flying back to knock the elf shaped spoiler off Buxton's Jaguar. 

"Ha ha ha ha ha! Elf that, Buxton!" Alfred hooted some more, then he and Wang ran to join Arthur and Frances gesturing to them from across the road. 

"Alfred, Luv. Brows wasn't in the bubble bed arranged to sneak him out of the clinic. And it would appear Alfie Hero has gone missing as well."

"Alfie Hero bubs?" Alfred looked around frantically, then all four flinched when a scary eyed, overcoat and long scarf wearing Russian suddenly dropped out of the sky to land next to them. 

"Alfred, your dog is at palace. I see from sky."

"Sky, Ivan?" Alfred asked the man who had flown him to Paris in March on a Russian cargo plane.

"Da, sky. I jump out plane without parachute." 

"Huh?" Francis and Wang jumped back in fright while Alfred just shrugged.

"You did that? Cool, Ivan psycho dude! But what're ya in London for?"

"I here for buy chair. My little sister scratch chair on plane to nothing when I refuse marriage, so I buy new strong chair." 

"Oh? Did a spot of shopping at Harrods did you?" Arthur tried to lighten the mood.

"Chair is museum chair, said to be strong enough to kill. But I do not find it so."

"Hold on a tick. Are you referring to the deathly cursed Busby's chair?" Arthur expressed horror. "The chair cursed by a murderer on his way to the gallows? That chair has sent over sixty people to their deaths!" 

Ivan merely smiled a childlike smile as his violet eyes twinkled. "Chair crumble like piroshki when I sit." 

"Gore!"

"Arthur no time!" Alfred interrupted. "We gotta find Brows before Buxton does." 

"Just so, and before Luddy finds us." Arthur agreed, and all five started for the palace. 

"Okay, so we need a really sweet attack plan." Alfred said as they ran. "An alpha attack plan, like alpha dog woof! So yo, check this. All y'all back me up while I do what I do best."

"Question. What does 'what you do best' mean?" Ivan asked. 

"It means I'm the hero! What else?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred tries out his total hero voice, while the Queen tries to decipher Alfie Hero.

Alfie Hero and Brows  
Buckingham Palace

"Woof." Alfie Hero plopped down the newspaper on the carpeted floor of a private living area for the queen and all the Senior Royals partaking of elevenses to see. Same as for the Prime Minister he wagged his tail, pawed at the headline, and looked at the Queen expectantly. The Queen's family expressed delight at the begoggled spaniel's returning to visit them, especially five year old Princess Phoebe who had held Alfie Hero in the photo. However, the Queen was puzzled by the dog's newspaper antics and looked to the Senior Assistant she'd summoned to best advise her. 

Needham concluded a phone call and informed her. "Arthur Kirkland is absent from Kirkland House at present, Your Majesty. But his brothers Dylan and Connor were in residence, and wished me to convey to you...well, information of a sort." He winced slightly, but the Queen nodded for him to continue. "It seems the American nutter's dog, as they called him, acted the maggot, as they worded it, to the Prime Minister just this morning."

"Oh?" The Queen's blue eyes twinkled slightly. "And what was the Prime Ministers impression?"

"Her impression was the dog had intended to deliver a paper, only to change his mind."

The Queen's eyes twinkled more as she focused on the paper. "The newspaper is too old for that. A beloved object to him, I should think." 

Alfie Hero kept scratching at the paper's headline, 'Together to Stay?,' but now whined urgently. 

"Awww." The family sympathised as Phoebe ran to hug him and the Queen...peered more intently. 

Meanwhile, nearby, Brows padded softly through a quiet, out of the way corridor filled with smells he found oddly familiar. Metallic glue, sooty pencils, oily paints. Then his pink nose delighted in the musty smell of old books combined with worn woolen smells of vintage throws and cushions that reminded him of Kirkland House. 

"Sir Brows?" Prince Felix, the nerdy prince that had held him in the photo, dropped the sketchbook he'd been doodling in the moment Brows peeked inside the childrens' library and art room. "You are Sir Brows! I did recognise you correctly!" 

Prince Felix flopped onto a centuries old Turkish Rug to pet him. "I told and told Mum and Dad you were my kitten first, a gift from Uncle Bucksy. And that Uncle Bucksy lied about adopting you for his girlfriend so that she could use you to sell eyebrow pencils. But then the public thought the eyebrow pencil ads were cruel to animals. And Uncle Bucksy said she'd made him look bad. So they fought and fought, and next thing I knew you'd disappeared entirely!" 

Prince Felix petted Brows as he rambled on and on, while Brows vaguely recollected being petted in that very room by that very child for one magical month before Buxton's girlfriend laid eyes on him and he was swept up into a world of chaos, camera flashes, and arguing. 

"I always wondered what had become of you. But then I read in the papers that you'd made a friend and become a hero! Still I wished you could come back and be mine again." 

"Fel-ducks! Come see who's visiting in the yellow room!" His sister's voice crackled on an intercom. 

Felix stood to answer on his room's intercom. "I've got a visitor too, Phoe-bug!" He smiled at Brows, then gestured for Brows to follow him. 

Quadrangle Side Gate  
Buckingham Palace

"Axis…nom nom. Bad guys…nom nom. Allies…nom nom. Good guys…nom nom." 

_______"Alfred luv, stop eating! We can't understand a word you're saying!" Arthur protested Alfred's distracted, burger noshing leadership attempts. Wang however, protested Alfred's stopping._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"He best burger eater. My burger town keep deliver." Wang gestured for his army of fast food delivery employees to keep the greasy brown bags coming._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Capitalistic Wanker." Arthur muttered, as Francis addressed scarily smiling Ivan._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Monsieur. You smile so terriblement during the arguing, mais remain so calm. Comment?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"That is easy. I enjoy watching noisy foolishness because in my country we hate silently. But mostly I imagine crushing all your stupid faces to dust." Ivan said simply._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Sacre Bleu! I knew it." Francis blenched, and was relieved to see Arthur wave two guards over._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Arthur asked the guards if they had seen Alfie Hero and Brows only to be told. "The cat is registered as living here, and so we let him and his dog friend in. But you lot are not allowed entry."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Gore, Brows and Alfie Hero are inside? Living as royals, I shouldn't wonder." Arthur balked, squeaked, then nudged Alfred. "But will they ever return?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Ha ha ha! Of course they will." Alfred at last put down his burgers and slurpy drinks to gloat. 'Cause I got this. Yo, check it. Listen to my total hero voice guys!" He stepped back from the gate, struck a hero pose, then began shouting obnoxiously. "Alfie Hero bubs, get out here or no greasy, spicy, Szechan burger-arus for you!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

_______The Yellow Room  
Buckingham Palace_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Wroof?" Alfie Hero cocked his doggy head the second his sensitive ears heard Alfred's voice in the distance. But just as he was about to retrieve his newspaper and run out, Brows entered with Prince Felix. "Big brother cat. We gotta go. Alfred's calling and he's got burgers!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Well, burgers! Far be it that we should stay here with royals doting on us and miss yet another burger eating burp fest."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Woo woo woo! Burger burp fests are awesome! Let's go." Alfie Hero nuzzled and licked Brows happily and the two left leaving the newspaper behind._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"No, doggy. Come back!" Princess Phoebe begged but sensible Felix told her._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Phoe-bug. Leave those hero friends be."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"But Fel-ducks! The cat lives here and belonged to you before Uncle Bucksy stole him. Mum and Dad said."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Not anymore. Not for the longest time. Sir Brows ran off, made a friend, and became a hero. Now he and Alfie Hero must be let be, to stay together and do more hero things. Isn't that right, Gran Gran?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Just so, dearest." The Queen hugged him, and looked down at the newspaper. "As the dog asked so earnestly, which thanks to you I now understand. Needham." She called that Senior Assistant back. "The Prince and I wish to draw up a transference of cat ownership decree to your friend Arthur Kirkland. Then I alone will meet with Uncle Bucksy. In the GRAY room." She winked at Felix who smiled mischievously back, for the gray room was where the Queen chewed out misbehaving royals most fiercely._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

_______Quadrangle Side Gate  
Buckingham Palace_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Afred, luv. I do believe our animals are to be royals now. Squeak!" Arthur squeaked as well as despaired at the thought._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"No way! Wang's burgers are mine and Alfie Hero's favorite. He'll be down any second. You'll see." Alfred assured him._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"But what of Brows, and Buxton having the legal means to reclaim him?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Won't happen, I'm telling ya. Once Brows and Alfie Hero are outta there." He gestured to the palace. "We four will be outta here." He gestured to London all around them, and no sooner had he finished speaking…_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Woo woo woo!" Alfie Hero ran out of the palace and across the quadrangle, but doubled back numerous times to join a more sedate moving Brows._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Alfred, luv. Our Brows is well again!" Arthur expressed relief._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Sure is! He's rockin' out now he's out of that bubble bed thingy."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______The two animals at last arrived at the gate, where the two guards from before let them out. Alfred and Arthur took turns holding and petting them. Wang, Ivan, and Francis petted them as well before going their separate ways. Then suddenly the most amazing sight greeted Arthur and Alfred, that of a giant transformer robot that was formerly Luddy's car._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Uh oh. Oh dear. I do believe we four will be 'outta here,' as you say Alfred, much sooner than we ever could have imagined!" Arthur fretted as he spotted Luddy and Kiku in the robot cockpit just before a giant robot hand swooped down and...snagged them._ _ _ _ _ _ _


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy conclusion, together to stay.

That Evening  
Star Hero Post

Late that night, shortly after arriving in Alaska, Alfred and Arthur relaxed while camping at a cliffside location to view the Northern Lights. Just a few feet away was Alastair's memorial shrub decorated with a fresh sprig of holly. And on a blanket by their sock clad feet were Brows and Alfie Hero, with the latter being the most sleepy for a change as Arthur read. "Seven year old Prince Felix to launch 'Together to Stay,' program. A charity that focuses on keeping animal friends together that would otherwise be separated." 

"Uh huh." Yawn. "That's totally amazing, yo." Yawn. Alfred, with his newly bandaged hand, could barely keep his eyes open after the long flight. 

"Yes, brilliant that. And one must wonder, however did the Prince come up with such a clever slogan?" 

"Who knows?" Alfred yawn hooted, as Brows fixed both with a wuthering, 'humans are clueless' look, for completely missing Alfie Hero's newspaper antics. 

Arthur stoked their campfire a bit before picking up another newspaper. "And it would appear the Buxtons have decided to give up royal life for good. Due to harassment, they say." 

"Ha ha! Harassment my ass, elf losers." Alfred yawn hooted some more. 

Arthur turned the page, then said. "And did you see this, Alfred luv? Our custom designed flag you gave that printer shop permission to mass produce? There are millions of flags now being displayed throughout London in honor of the Buxtons' departure." Arthur showed him a picture of Bond Street completely lined with their flags. 

"Yeah! Fuck yeah, Londoners! Way to stick it to those evil sucks butts Buxtons." Alfred rallied slightly, but soon began to doze off with his head in Arthur's lap until… Sniff. Sniff. His pert nose twitched as he smelled something strange. Then blue eyes opened wide behind his glasses. "What's that? Crackers? With marshmallows but no chocolate! No CHOCOLATE!" He leaped to his star-spangled sock clad feet to make Brows hiss and Alfie Hero stir, then shouted to the three man party camped on the inlet beach below them. "Hey yo, Luddy, Feli and Japanese dude. Listen to my total hero voice. S'mores are supposed to have chocolate. CHOCOLATE!"

"Oh, do leave them alone Alfred." Arthur whacked him until he lay back down. "Before your git shouting brings Luddy back up here to examine us again."

"He's the sick one." Alfred resumed yawning. "Capturing us and forcing us to come here for the holidays." 

"Ah." Arthur nodded, then asked. "Would you have rather spent Christmas in London?."

"Hells no. I'm happiest here, under the Northern Lights and stars. Especially that star." Alfred pointed to a particularly bright star in the distance.

Arthur peered at it and smiled knowingly. "And did that northern star bring me to you as well?" He referred to Alfred's loving statement from the previous Christmas. 

"That star?" Alfred opened his eyes to look, then closed them again and sighed happily. "That northern star led our pets to us. What else?"

"What else indeed." Arthur agreed jovially, then just as jovially reread the transference of ownership notification text he'd received from Prince Felix and the Queen just an hour before, while Brows nestled safe and snug against Alfie Hero's side, together to stay.


End file.
